complications about writing about self; also, panic.

in part of my previously mentioned ongoing efforts to procrastinate, while simultaneously reasoning with myself that my procratinatory efforts are actually part of the work on which i am procrastinating (!genius!), i recently had a conversation with someone about the mess that is writing about (and performing) Stuff That Comes From Real Life, Sometimes Verbatim.

of course a lot of writers will hear “write you what you know” as if it would be foolhardy and unprofessional to even attempt to stretch your imagination enough to (gasp) put yourself in someone else’s shoes – of course one could also argue that all experiences can be traced to some more universal experience, so even in writing about something you don’t, on the surface, seem to know, like the experience of tying your shoelaces as a wealthy investment banker living in a soho condo, is actually something you do, intrinsically, know, since you can tie your shoelaces no matter where you live, provided you have a pair of shoes with laces (which admittedly not everyone has, at all time in their lives, if ever).

yeah, that was a really shitty example. maybe a better one is, i don’t know what it’s like to have a kid and be a mother, but based on my experience of loving another person, feeling responsible for something or someone, having someone i love resent me or not understand me, having to budget, having emotions, feeling stressed out, etc etc,  based on all these things, i can reasonably extrapolate and write about being a mother, in a story or play, even though i’ve never been a mother. and i guess some people might argue with that.

anyway. back to the point – there are a lot of dangers in turning your life into something public, intended to be shared with an audience. on the one hand, everything comes from some real experience, no matter how it’s been interpreted, twisted, deformed, reformed, etc, and the fact that there’s something recognizably true about it is how people relate and respond anyway – but on the other hand, there is the danger of trifling with very real and very painful circumstances and issues, and exposing them to an audience that doesn’t necessarily have the context to get it the way you intend for it to be gotten.

furthermore, there are the nagging questions of whether or not you HAVE been trifling with the material – did i write this for the right reasons? did i do it for a cheap laugh? did i respect the complexity of the situation? i thought i was respecting the complexity of the situation, i thought i was doing it for the right reasons (i.e. to explore/discuss/process a very complicated and painful situation in my life and the lives of a few other people) – but was i, really? or was some shitty part of me just mining my personal life for something that the audience would like, regardless of whether or not they got it or i communicated it respectfully – i mean, couldn’t i have done it better, with more sophistication? couldn’t i have done a better job of cloaking the facts and the lives and the people so that it wouldn’t be so easily guessable that this situation was extracted sometimes verbatim from conversations i’ve had with people in my life?

but yeah: cry me a river, self.

anyway. it was a longish conversation, i just had. not exactly the best way to prepare for the comedy shows i’m doing tomorrow – actually, now i’m just feeling kind of shitty and depressed, wondering if i’m a horrible person (don’t answer that), but perhaps that’s the best place to be in to write Comedy.

anyway. thoughts on that.

oh, i put “panic” in the title of this post. quickly, then: yes, i’m feeling a bit panicked about tomorrow night’s shows. i have been back in san francisco for a month, after being gone for two months, and even though this won’t be my first time performing since i’ve returned, my summer absence combined with the nebulous circumstances surrounding my current sf  life have made me feel a bit panicked at the prospect of engaging in any public activity that requires audience approval (with laughter).

also, i like using the word “panicked.” it’s a nice word.